It’s no surprise that I live in a fantasy world. I like it there. In fact I go there willingly whenever I can.
In this world, shy bank tellers become conquering generals, strange mousy twenty somethings become powerful spies that can turn into giant werewolves, and…you get the idea.
This world has provided me with a much needed creative release, and has enabled me to connect with people who I would have otherwise, never met. Some of them even managed to become friends for a time.
I have been pulling away from this world some lately for a few reasons. A) There was a major falling out that occurred over some things that happened while I was legitimately off my rocker, and B) People, at the heart of who they are, are just downright fucking mean when they don’t have to look you in the eyes.
I could sit here and wax philosophical about how living with the pain of a mental illness drove me to…blah, blah, blah…It’s all true, but you’ve heard it before.
This has all gotten…well, messy.
People I thought were my friends have proven that they are capable of depths of…well…awful I never thought they were capable of. Likewise, people I never expected to be THIS awesome have completely blindsided me with kindness and support.
The most painful of all of this has been the people who just…stopped talking to me.
Like somehow just being seen talking to me…or talking to me in private will somehow upset the balance of the fragile social order.
This led me down another train of thought. We place such a high value on “growing up”. Like somehow the behaviors that we spend so much time honing and cultivating in school will just go away once we move into the work force, or have families of our own.
The truth is that- what if all of that awful social warfare we endured was merely training for larger scale more complicated versions of the same stupid games?
Maybe I’m just jaded. It’s distinctly possible.
Maybe i’m cranky because my fantasy world/safe place just became some place I am not sure I recognize.
We indulge in fantasy because it’s a safe way to express all those things we don’t normally get to express in polite social convention. For example, If I transformed into a giant wolf beast right now and proceeded to eat your face – that would not be very polite (Or possible, but you get the idea).
Sometimes, I wish I was more like the characters I create. Smarter, Nicer, With a bigger heart…more grace, etc. However, I am not. I’m just an (almost) 30 something woman from the Midwest who is still trying to fumble through the same social calamity that she was struggling with fifteen years ago – only now, people are married and there are children involved.
I don’t have any answers as to why this stuff happens…why we always seem to revert to the default asshole setting in stressful social situations. I just know that it is.
I hope that one day I can figure it out. I think it would save me a lot of heartache, because these situations don’t just apply to fantasy games. People do it at work, In relationships, At school…every day people are walking around just trying not to upset the balance.
Most days I just wish I could open my mouth and say exactly how I feel. Tell people exactly what I mean, and not have to worry about dealing with the consequences of being the bad guy. I know it’s an unrealistic expectation – especially because I can be a (metaphorical) giant wolf lady who eats faces.
My goals for the week are simple:
1) Say what I mean and mean what I say…even if it comes out awkward. Even if the truth hurts some feelings.
2) Stop letting people get to me (as much as I can) and when they do, tell them.
3) Talk less, Write more.
Until the next train wreck – take care of yourselves.