I (once) Fell in love with a douchebag

**Disclaimer. It has come to my attention that this post makes it seem like said person was completely at fault. That was not the case. At all. I have my fair share of fault in this believe me. This is just a post from my perspective and it’s meant to be funny as well as empowering in that – you really can get past anything with time, a sense of humor and a good drive to do so. Carry on**

I recently had the pleasure of breaking one of my own rules.

I became friends with an ex.

Saying that my breakup with this person was bad would be like saying the titanic was a boating accident.

I met, and fell in love with someone I play games with. It was fast, and hard. The relationship itself lasted only a few months, not even a year. We actually never met in person. We had planned to, but it never got that far. We had already started tearing each other apart.

It started out like nothing else I’ve ever seen.

I was attracted to him almost immidately. He played a character on one of the servers I game on that is basically a raging psychopath (which in hindsight should have been my first red flag). To really pull something like that off, you have to either be incredibly intelligent, or flat out bat shit insane. Turns out this catch was a little of both.

We were inseparable at first. Talking every day. Then something like this happened.

Because I am who I am…It worked. For that few weeks I was absolutely over the moon.

Then, the stupid started. By stupid I mean, He told me he was afraid he was going to cheat on me. He wanted to go to a party, and didn’t think he could…control his urges?

Now, I’ve dated some gems in my day. Including the guy who told me he loved me and then..on my birthday was banging my then best friend in our bed. I had the pleasure of catching them.

This guy – while we were together – had the pleasure of making my top five. He is in the company of a meth dealer, a guy who stole all my records and tried to pawn them for money for heroin…and was unsuccessful because I listen to weird ass music, and … you get the idea.

It really only got worse from there.

Let me tell you something about myself dear readers. I am most definitely a complete and total crazy face bitch monster when provoked.  I’m not talking like whiny manipulative little girl hurt…I’m talking like, I will steal all your friends and pee on your dog while you lay crying in a pool of your own broken dreams – bitch.

These qualities are things I so do not like or admire about myself.

They are, however, there. Realistically, this breakup was just so awful because we both posses these kinds of qualities and they are NOT good qualities to have pitted against each other.

Especially when I am not on my meds.

But I digress again.

The moral of the story, without too much detail is this.

If I had the power to cause this kind of destruction on someones life – then I had the power I was looking for all along. I went to him looking for acceptance, and looking for someone else to validate me, give me strength I already possessed.

I just used it wrong. I used to it hurt someone. To retaliate. I am capable of so much more that that, and I deserve to be with someone who makes me feel awesome about myself and the world around me. I deserve to be with someone who makes me want to be a better person.

I had a little bit of humility, and a whole lot of guts. I was able to put all of this destruction behind me, and tentatively, become a friend to someone that I hurt REALLY bad, and vice versa. This is a good thing. I was able to put to death something that has haunted me, and start a new.

It’s a good day today. I’m going to go and enjoy it.

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