Watching from the outside and stepping in

“We accept the love we think we deserve.”
― Stephen ChboskyThe Perks of Being a Wallflower

I’ve had an incredibly interesting few days. A lot of pain has come to the surface in a screaming sort of way. Sort of like after a snake bite where you have to suck the poison out.

I have made a lot of enemies as of late. Some of it is of my own creation – I am not an easy woman to deal with. I’ve been putting an unreasonable amount of time into trying to maintain the status quo and fit in just to make things easy. I usually don’t do this. I’ve been known to cut entire groups of people out of my life like they meant nothing in the blink of an eye if they treat me poorly. This time, however…for some reason – and it’s likely because I caused my part of the damage…I’ve let people take it way to far without biting back.

I was lamenting about this to a good friend…well, someone who has become one. The one person in the gaming environment that all of this is taking place in who gets me on a deeper level because of some serious common interests. We listen to some of the same bands (and believe me – finding a gamer who can intelligently riff about ’82 east coast hardcore, The Clash and the different nuances of really nerdy and specific ridiculous differences in recordings… Is like finding a tye dyed giraffe walking down the street in Chicago one day.)

You get the idea. This guy is both the Dick and Barry to my female version of Rob Gordon that I’ve become in my age (If you get that reference, You’re welcome).

Anyway.

He told me in a way I could understand, because I am kind of slow sometimes.

“You know…not everyone understands you or takes well to you because not everyone has been through the things we have. Not even close. They have incredibly different sets of experiences…”

As cliche as it sounds…it’s true. I’ve been making the same mistake Americans do when they travel abroad. I have been assuming that the same rules apply. Typical Auspie mistake. I thought I was with friends…I was really with a bunch of arrogant, backstabbing, opportunistic sharks and when I dared to be a flawed human being I was basically letting blood into the water.

I was very VERY hurt over this and have been for months. Angry and full of rage too.

I let people close to me who really didn’t care enough about me as a human being to understand that I knew I was an unmedicated mess, did and said some awful things…but that I may actually be in some deep emotional pain.

No.

Some of them just stopped talking to me. Others have stuck around and talked about me behind my back. Others…have decided that it’s acceptable to wage a very public open war on me. Not just by being cruel to me, but by turning others against me. Openly speaking about me as if I were not there…and so insignificant as to not even matter.

If 18 year old me could see the way I am taking this, she would punch me in the face and then go and cause some serious problems for people. But, unfortunately, as we grow up, we learn that we cannot solve all of our problems by hitting people in the face.

When I met most of these people, I was unmedicated, and my best friend from the time I was 14 had just died very suddenly. I met a few of the instigators before that…but this is largely the by product of a year from hell.

Honestly, I’ve reached out to the people I want to keep and I’m highly disappointed and deeply hurt by the fact that most of an entire community is throwing me under the bus because of a gossip chain…but I’m also liberated.

These people don’t know me. They don’t understand me…they think they do, but they don’t. A few of them are about to get a great big grown up rude awakening too.

I deserve better. I’m finally ready to say that.

This is the beginning of the next chapter in my life. I will start it out by borrowing an anthem from my younger self.

I’m tired of being a punching bag. I refuse to give a shit about people who do not care about me…Things are about to change REAL QUICK.

I know who my friends are now, and I certainly know who they aren’t. People have had six months to try and help me out and be compassionate…The tide has turned. I’m not a pushover and this community has a terrible history of running people out who don’t fit in. It would be easy just to leave, but then they would continue to think that this is acceptable to do to people. I am staying around, and I just declared war on this bullshit.

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