I like to think a lot of things about myself. It always really sucks when you find out that the things you THINK about yourself are not exactly reality.
I’ve always considered myself to be a very spontaneous and fun person. The truth is that I am apparently incredibly routine oriented and if even one small thing feels out of place, I’m apparently like a lost puppy. This is never more evident in my life than when people decide to “leave” (That means anything from stop talking to me completely to changes in the nature of the relationship, to a simple vacation). Apparently this throws me into lost puppy mode for awhile. Not only that, but apparently every possible disaster situation in the world from a significant other cheating on me..repeatedly…to people dying – plays on a loop in my head.
Granted, I imagine these things because at some point in my life, they have all happened – but I SHOULD be able to separate in my head the clear differences between the individuals. In the moment, everything just blurs together and it becomes like re-living every disaster scenario I’ve ever lived through. My very well paid therapist (Yes I have one, No i’m not ashamed) tells me that I have P.T.S.D.
Actually, upon first meeting me, one of them (Therapists. It took me awhile to find “the one”) referred me to a man who works mostly with combat vets and people who were P.O.W’s. So for the beginning of my time in confronting this, It was me, and a bunch of guys who had seen the horrors of war and or been tortured. At the time, I didn’t think this was strange…I just did it. In Hindsight – That speaks volumes.
I’ve always thought of myself as friendly, and easy to get along with. This must not be true either, because almost every romantic relationship I’ve ever had has gone down in flames. It always starts out really well, but ends in the guy calling me some kind of nasty names, telling me I’m insane, that I need to “Get my shit together” (For the record, I still have never met anyone who has their proverbial “Shit” all the way together.) One guy even told me that “No one would ever really love me because I am not only impossible to love, but I am Impossible to get close to.”
When the things we think about ourselves are wildly divergent from what other people tell us about ourselves, Who’s perspective is more important? Who should we really be worried about or listening to? That part I still haven’t figured out. I’m going to be 30 this year. I was led to believe that with experience comes perspective. I stupidly assumed that this meant that things would get easier, and that I would begin to have some answers. Apparently this is life taunting me. Another inside joke that I’m not in on yet.
I’ve spent the last 48 hours living in a proverbial hell scenario. Memories and projections of my own fears are replaying on that cataclysm loop in my head. I’ve had anxiety attacks. Things in my life are changing again – and if all this is for the better or the worse remains to be seen. Uncertainty. That sinking feeling when you don’t really know where life is about to take you – so you imagine all possibilities. Only, because you have been put through some pretty crazy stuff, It all comes out disaster scenarios.
Truth be told, I have no idea why my brain still does this to me. I will keep working against it though.
I need to travel soon. Do something to get my mind off of everything. I know where I want to go – but we will see if life cooperates.