“True friends stab you in the front”-Oscar Wild
“A dreamer is one who can only find his way by moonlight, and his punishment is that he sees the dawn before the rest of the world.” -Oscar Wild
Pee Wee Herman once said “You don’t wanna get mixed up with a guy like me. I’m a loner, Dottie. A rebel…” I laugh about that every time. I have since I was a kid, watching Pee Wee’s Big Adventure. However, since then, I’ve had a distinctive bent for the loner, lonely, slightly intellectual, misunderstood guy. I like to say (usually with a smile on my face and a twinkle in my eye) “It is a hell that few can imagine.”
I’ve always been…strange. I believe that is the first word that was ever used to describe me by someone other than my family. My kindergarten teacher looked at me – I believe that I was coloring a piece of toast purple – She looked at me and smiled. I believe her exact words were “You are a strange girl aren’t you?”.
My life has been a repeat of that exact moment up until now. I don’t (always) TRY to be strange, I guess I just am.
At a time in my life when I really needed to meet someone, I did. He was smart, kind, and he made me feel like he really cared what I had to say. He made me feel…not strange at all. He made me feel like maybe there was someone in the world who actually might be able to love me back. Just a girl, meeting a boy and the world seeming a little bit better for awhile.
It was one of those situations where I just sort of tripped and fell in love.
Now. I know this may come as a shock, but I am TERRIBLE at relationships. I spend most of my time around other people feeling like an alien. If I like a person, Or feel like I may love them…its a HUNDRED times worse.
Things were going well. I was easing into the slow pace he said he needed. Then, one day, He told me he loved me. Out of the blue. I think that I may have actually squealed. We went along really well for a few months. Talking for hours at a time. If I couldn’t sleep, I called him. I even actually let him see me cry.
It was a long distance thing, but I felt very connected to him. That is until one night, days after a particularly jarring argument over…something, he told me it wasn’t going to work. Just like that. We were apart but still talking. I was going against my instincts and trying to trust that everything would work out in the end. We eventually reconnected. Nothing exclusive, but I felt really amazing about where things were going.
He went overseas to see a friend, and I felt sick. I practically begged him not to go because I just had this sinking feeling in my heart and in my gut. Quickly I found out why. Within 72 hours, he had managed to fall in love with the friend he was complaining about before he left. The one he said he couldn’t wait to leave to see me.
How did I hear this? Not by with his voice or to my face. He didn’t even respect me enough to get on a messenger an tell me. No…he texted it to me. I got text dumped.
His excuse? “No matter how I said it…I was going to hurt you. I was just being honest like you asked me to.”
I have nearly have a brain malfunction thinking about it NOW.
In one of my favorite books, the main female character asks something to the effect of”Why does everyone I know fall in love with people who treat them like shit?” And the main male voice answers back “Because we accept the love we think we deserve.”
I have long been plagued with terrible romantic relationships. I am (admittedly) not an easy woman to be with. I am neurotic at times, defensive, confrontational – to put it simply, I have issues. But this was a new sensation. I had really put myself on the line…I TRIED. I made sacrifices for this person. Monetary, time and otherwise.
And I got the kiss off with a text.
The line from the book was echoing in my head the whole time. “We accept the love we think we deserve.”
We all do it. I am not the only person in the world to ever get dumped that way. Or thrown out for something shiny and new. I may be the only person to pour over things like this, but I doubt that too. I just wonder why we all always feel like we are the only ones. Moreover, why do we let it happen to us? I knew before it happened it was a Bad Idea to stay and be supportive. I knew that I was going to wind up flattened on the pavement in an emotional sense.
I let someone I thought I loved talk me into putting him before myself.
I accepted the love I thought I deserved, from someone who didn’t deserve MY love. And I payed for it.
I’m glad that this moment is six feet under.
I’m glad that I don’t have to let people who will hurt me like that in again. I know better. I’m also glad that after almost 30 years, I can finally say, I deserve better than that.