I am nothing, if not a creature of habit and routine. I guess that I am what you would call – ocd in some respects. Really, it’s a function of the quirkiness that is me…but it makes traveling a special kind of hell. Especially when that traveling requires me to share space with other people (no matter how familiar said person is with my quirks).
At home, I deal with my own set of quirks…as dysfunctional as they are – they are mine. Yes, I have rampant family issues, I wake up at 2pm sometimes and go on gaming benders that last for 36 hours and turn me into someone sucking “go-go juice” from a sippie cup.
There is no structure besides what I impose on myself, and I LIKE it that way. When I have to go out in the real world, I’m forced to do things like wake up at a reasonable time. Socialize over breakfast, eat off of plates, using utensils. Not growl at people with my mouth full (okay, that last bit is only a stretch if there’s no whiskey involved. You throw Jameson in the mix all bets are off…but I digress).
The place I am currently staying is so different from my general way of life. We eat three meals a day. With courses, on China. Now – I’m not at all complaining. I’m well taken care of and well fed. I do however have severe anxiety issues. I typically, as someone who has lived with an eating disorder (and been in remission from said eating disorder for a good long while) I don’t typically do so well eating in front of people. I can, I don’t have panic attacks anymore, haven’t for a long time…but I still twinge knowing that people are going to see me eat that extra helping. Or the chocolate covered strawberries.
On a daily basis I still look in the mirror and have to silence the monster yelling back at me, every insult known to man. But I do it. Unlike my life at home, everything here is regimented. Scheduled.
The up side of this is that I tend to be more productive. Finding ways to work and challenge myself despite the sheer discomfort of the whole ordeal. It almost drives me to do better. Almost. I say almost because there is still the small matter of me being terribly awkward in any and all social situations which don’t involve clown shoes or a literal freak show.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.
As a BiPolar person, I become more intimately aware of this than others. I’ve lived the gamut of human joy and suffering…Well, a good portion of it. I’ll work myself into a fit, going hard, 90+ hours a week on various projects, then there are times where I just…stare at the wall. And sleep.
I’m a work in progress.
So, while I muddle through this busy, productive time, I’ll try and enjoy it, for the Times when I have nothing to give.
Love to all. Hope your V.D. was productive, happy, and distinctly lacking in contraction of any v.d…
Till next time.