On ex lovers and bullshit excuses…

Last night/early this morning at about four in the morning, I found myself talking to my ex. This is the same ex who ran away to Canada to be with the woman he is now moving there to be with – and lied to me about the whole mess. Somehow, whenever we talk, I try to look past all the bullshit and the things that happened in our past.

There has been a lot of that in the water so to speak lately.

This week has been what I like to call revenge of the past. I’ve been pretty open about the fact that I struggle with mental health issues. It has never been something that I see as particularly shameful either. Everyone has struggles.

This is something in my life that has caused me great issue in dealing with OTHER people – not only because the mental health issues I have are things which directly affect my ability to carry on normal social interaction and to a certain extent – “Normal” relationships – but it also affects how others deal WITH me. Mental illness carries such a strange stigma still in this world that we all live in and to be honest – the whole “Hide it away in the closet” mentality is completely counter productive to growth and any sort of healthy movement.

I’ve been having this lingering four alarm anxiety lately. I am a naturally anxious person. It happens. I’ve struggled with it in some form my whole life. There are a lot of changes on the horizon. Life is all about changes. I understand this…but when It all seems to hit at once, I find myself struggling to catch my breath. In the case of anxiety attacks, this is literal.

Talking to my ex last night awakened a lot of frustration in me as well.  I know I am not the perfect person. I am flawed. I make mistakes. I made a bunch in that train wreck of a relationship. I really tried there though. Up to and including the money I spent to get myself to his neck of the woods. I didn’t end up getting most of that money back either. I was basically told that I needed to “Get over it” and that from his point of view he “Never did anything wrong.”

Being so in touch with my own emotions lately, this immediately pissed me off. What surprised me though, was how angry I am with myself.

I have no control over him, what he does, what his choices are. I wouldn’t seek to have control over that. I am starting to wonder why it is that I attract the attention of people who are essentially so arrogant and short sighted that they truly believe they not only exist in a vacuum – but that this kind of thing is perfectly ACCEPTABLE to do to another person as long as they turn out happy in the end.

I’ve gone to great lengths over the last year to really adopt better thought patterns. To free myself from the kind of emotional bondage that being around people like this tends to inadvertently put someone in. I’m a big believer in Cause and Effect. If you do something, there are usually consequences. Good or bad. Big or small, there are effects.

I’m not perfect – in fact, I’ve done some pretty deplorable things in my life. Things like this just set me on my ass. I’ve spent my whole day analyzing what happened. Where I went wrong and why I even entertained the idea of talking to him, cause I knew the outcome.

Other than that – I have a lot on my plate. Good things.

As promised, I am working on this project with some amazing people. We are currently in the fund raising process. We need to raise 5k in order to make our first production happen.

Help us get the word out, and if you have the ability – a donation would be adored.

Until next time – I’ll try not to go insane!

Love you all –

Lexxx

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