I woke up this morning feeling slightly disturbed after very vivid dreams in which I was floating through parts of my past, watching myself. I had several songs that were going through my head at the time. It all happened in a flash.
The Vandals – Oi to the world was playing and I had this memory of an ex pushing me on some swings at midnight. I had a bottle of Bushmills in my hand and a Safety Pin through my nose. We were both laughing and singing that song off key. There were others running around the swing set, teasing us “Mommy and Daddy are drunk!” And so were they. They called us mommy and daddy because I had a tendency to mother them and we were the only ones that were old enough to buy beer at the time. Barely.
Then, it flashed to the day that he and I broke up. The look on his face as he left my parents house. I had wanted to break it off for months at that point, and I had to wait until I had my wisdom teeth out and the honesty just…well, flowed.
Next, North Carolina…And James Taylor. Riding in that old Volvo down dirt roads and my hand out the window. New guy, him holding my hand while I collected piercings. Candy sitting on our apartment floor. Jack , her very own Hunter S. Thompson sitting next to her. So much happened in those years and I became a bit more like a monster before I became the woman I am.
It cycled like this through each man I have been with up until today. Several ill fated attempts at love and it closed with a very touching memory of me, being in the old pickup truck with (one of only a few) very best friends I’ve ever had. Great Balls of fire was playing and seemed to be stuck. I was painting my face on the way to a show, and getting really pissed that I didn’t have a good mirror to do my eyeliner.
I have memories like this sometimes, they invade my dreams, remind me that I’ve lived more in fifteen years than most people do in a lifetime. It also reminded me of the fact that because of this, I’ve grown colder. I’ve seen people live by their own rules and die by their own hand. By the time I was 22, I had seen what it looks like when a man eats a bullet and had watched someone shoot up enough drugs that they never woke up.
These people were not the people that society would hold up as being any kind of presence – other than a cautionary tale. What not to do. In spite of all of the pain, I learned something from each of these people in my life. I have spent most of my life surrounded by people hardened by a life going against the grain, or war veterans. Sometimes they are both.
I woke up this morning, and I actually cried. Not the kind of crying that happens when you are sad, or upset, or angry – the kind of crying that happens when you are grateful. The memories have been flooding in today – And I actually said to someone “I had the kind of dreams that someone has before they write something really real.”
It has taken me almost a decade to really understand the lessons that fate handed me really early in my life – I still barely grasp them sometimes. I wrestle with them. I get in fights with myself. Sometimes they are as brutal as anything and I walk away with a bruised ego. Today, we sat down and looked at old photo albums. Myself and I. I got to see my youth in its vibrancy – I got to see it in its carelessness and its pain…
For the first time I got to walk away from that with an overwhelming feeling of gratitude and peace. I was a real piece of work – A heart breaker. I have been a Junkie, and a thief. I have been a drifter and a Nomad – A gypsy on the wind. I have tried to be a companion, a housewife, A mother and a friend. I have been abused and kicked – and I have been admired. I got to see all of this and really take it in (as much as one can) for the first time.
Lately, I’m not going to lie..I’ve been really sad. My life is coming full circle in many ways – and for someone who is used to waking up every day going “Where am I and who’s clothing is this next to me..” (Okay, it hasn’t been that way since before I was 25, but you get the idea) – For someone who is used to going where the wind takes her, when the wind decides to blow, I have made a certain peace today with the certainty of time. I have been many things. I will be many more. Today, I have exactly twenty four hours (hopefully) that I can use to build myself up – nourish my gifts and prune away the things that maybe shouldn’t be there anymore.
I’ve felt very Jaded this last month. Feeling like the girl who completed the game first and now has to stand there angry that no new content is being released because most people are…well…still playing it. I did the opposite of what I do in WoW and GW2 – and power leveled my way through lifes content and now I’m just sort of sitting here doing the same quests over and over again.
Life isn’t like that. I am beginning to really understand that. My life can really be whatever I want or need it to be. At the end of the day – How cool is that?
xo xo xo