I don’t sit still so well. I don’t like being sidelined, or told that I need to rest. This last week has been a lot of that.
My health problems are not exactly hidden – I try not to bitch about them too much, or let them define me, but there are definitely days when I feel like it’s an up hill battle just to get work done and find the balance to rest as well.
I recently had another MRI for my back. Needless to say, there is a train wreck going on down there. I’ll spare the agonizing details and just give the cliffs notes. I have two bulging discs, narrowing of spinal column, and at least one disc that is flattening. There are some other issues as well such as cysts and bone spurs…and it all just kind of sucks.
Because I have an Auto-Immune disorder that can attack any system in the human body – there is some concern as to the health of the connective tissue in my joints and of course my kidneys. I’ve had some rough patches over the last six months and it’s taken a good amount of time to really get a handle on what it happening and what it all means.
Currently, it is confirmed that the Lupus is affecting some aspects of my central nervous system, and joints. They suspect that the persistent kidney infections and some of the general sickly feelings I’ve been having are related as well. I was also told I probably have fibromyalgia as well – because of the patterns of pain I have in my body and the nature of the pain and other symptoms.
I’ve been really actively trying to “take it easy”. I have no idea how to do this apparently. I was going to take a few days to rest – and I have no clue how to do this. I have used the time I gained to be in front of a computer to flesh out some role-play ideas, take on a new game, and I have taken up drawing. I’ve never had an art class in my life. Why not?
When I am forced to be “relaxed”, that is when my mind plays terrible tricks on me. It usually starts small, Some memories, thinking about some things that someone said to me once. Then, my mind goes deeper. Pulling moments from a seemingly endless bank of moments.
I try to do whatever I can to stem this – usually that means keeping busy. When I feel like I do today, I am already emotional because of the fact that I am in constant, un-relenting pain. Add to that the right external (or internal) stimuli and I become a weeping mess – much like I was earlier today.
There is nothing in the world I hate more than feeling helpless about things – and my body is taking that choice away from me when the pain does this.
Today, I am trying to just put one proverbial foot in front of the other and recognize that resting like this doesn’t mean that I have to be stuck in hell alone. It is INCREDIBLY difficult for me to reach out to anyone when I feel like this, and in the past, the people I have reached out to have simply just told me to “stop thinking about it” And “Maybe it will go away.”
Seriously, I’ve been so cranky, and emotional, and on edge…I can’t imagine I am any fun at all to be around. The other part of this? I’ve been feeling really lonely and alone. Yes, I have friends that I speak to every day, and they are great, but there is only so much that anyone else can do. Pain has a way of keeping me on edge and it clouds everything.
It goes against everything in me to write about it like this. Usually, I will let the month pass, and isolate myself. Letting things fester – but I’m really tired of feeling like this.
At least if I write about it – It gets part of it all out and on the table.
Pain is likely going to be a part of my life for the rest of my days, and I guess I need to learn to deal with it. I need to stop being such a stubborn ass and ask for help when I need it – and I need to find a way to stop being upset when the people in my life don’t understand and tell me I “just need to move past it.”
This is a jumbled mess, but it is am update. For now, I am going to head to take a shower and see if that helps at all.
Love to all of you –