I had a rather funny conversation with a good friend the other day. It started when he texted me with a rather panicked “Um…I have no idea what to do.”
Of course, being the maternal person that I am, My mind immediately goes to the worst possible situations. Is he okay? Did he kill a man and need a place to hide a body? Is he in some kind of jewel heist and needs a cover for a few days? Is he Injured in some bizarre way? (Okay so I never said that my brain was normal – only that I worry and get protective of my friends.)
None of that was true. Apparently, he had simply stumbled upon a loved ones, shall we say, shady browser history.
Now, I see this kind of stuff all the time. Everyone I know thinks about sex. Most of the people I know seek some kind of stimulation for those thoughts at some point in their life…be it through stories, video, another human…Somehow, we are hardwired for it. Call it the impulse to procreate, survival of the species…if you’re religious, call it sin of the flesh (*snrk*) – whatever you want.
Now, apparently this loved one was scheduling appointment sessions with a dominatrix. Now, to me, this is nothing to bat an eye at. Forever humans have been hardwired to find power play, sexy. It is all over our history, in our religious texts and even in our literature, ancient art, and well…everywhere.
Everything ranging from the playful smack on the bottom during a sexual moment to the full on Domination and Submission relationships that some people engage in either openly or behind closed doors.
I was thinking about it, and I actually don’t know a single person that DOESN’T engage in some basic form of power play either in foreplay or as a means of a lifestyle choice. I know A LOT of people too.
Most of the people I know, fall somewhere on what would be considered the “lighter” end of the spectrum. A playful slap on the butt here – A grab there. Pulling a lover close and holding him or her down in an act of affection or foreplay. A means to build some tension. Something. A lot of people I know are into some more intense expressions of this.
Of those people I know that do all of this (either in the context of a monogamous relationship – a marriage or even in the context of an online encounter) – Almost none of them openly talk about it.
Moreover, when someone does openly talk about it, especially in some of the online communities I frequent (Namely certain RP communities) they are often greeted with a lot of shit talking and recoil.
The irony of this is thick.
I have caught some of these people engaging in either full on erotic role play, or heavily skirting around it. Much of it with instinctive themes of domination and submission – or power play…And it is almost like they don’t even realize that it is the same exact thing that they are looking down their nose at someone else for.
My friend and I had a rather long talk. An open one at that. I told him that in the context of sex, in my eyes – nothing was off the table. As long as the people involved were consenting adults, everyone was safe, and happy and growing, and most of all communicating.
Sex is a funny thing. I know people who are turned on by feet. By lace. By soft touches…People who like pain and name calling. Oddly enough – most of the people I know who are engaging in really “normal” sex by societies standards are often the people who aren’t talking about it. The women who are finding themselves bored by the routine and not knowing how to tell their husbands or partners. The men who have gotten to the point of being more excited by a football game than the idea of a night in with their loved one. A lot of these people are the ones reaching out in secret for these “Seedy” kinds of sexual expression.
To contrast that, I know many others who do things that I wouldn’t even have THOUGHT to do in a sexual context. They are talking about it. Planning encounters. Communicating. They are learning to take the stigma off of things that we are hard wired to think about and put it back in the context that it belongs in – one where the people involved have power over the situation and see the power in reaching out.
Sex, at its very basic components, is about human closeness. It is above all else and expression of love and respect for another human being. In this context, you are sharing the most intimate parts of yourself with someone else. You are in many ways the most vulnerable you will ever be.
Why the HELL are we going off and doing this – without talking about it? Seriously guys? This makes absolutely no sense to me. We all do it (Well, most of us. I do actually know people who are by and large asexual, but that is a whole other ball of wax), We all crave the intimacy at some point in time. Yet, we are hard wired to be ashamed – from the get go – of these impulses. Our shame compels us to hide things. And we take what should be a really beautiful (and by most religions accounts – sacred) act and turn it into a shameful thing. Why? Because we are afraid of judgment.
I had a long conversation with my friend, and by the end of it, I think we both felt a lot better. There is something oddly cathartic about sharing intimate details with someone and not getting it thrown back in your face.
Issues of sex, intimacy, sexual identity, and the like will always be difficult to talk about. But in my opinion, abuses that occur there (and believe me, people are abused sexually in all kinds of ways, not just the obvious ones of rape and molestation) will always be a huge issue as long as people are convinced that they need to stay silent about things.
There is no shame in being a human.
There is only shame in hiding who you are because you are scared. You were created as you are and judgments aside – who you are is a work in progress but it is exactly as it should be. Right this second. You are living, and learning, and growing and reaching toward that goal – whatever it is – and your sexuality just is. It is a part of you.
I will be here, in the corner with my freak flag prominently displayed. I’ll keep having the conversations that make people cringe. I will not back down. If you wish to join me? Great. Come and get your hug. If not? It’s okay. I’ll be here later too.
Xo Xo Xo