I have been having some serious issues lately. Nothing that I can’t deal with – but my anxieties have been through the roof. Putting one foot in front of the other has been really difficult.
Since having a very public falling out with someone I once thought I could love at one time. This person proved on a very colossal scale that he not only didn’t listen to a word I said, maybe ever, but he spent a long time trying to convince everyone that, in fact, I was the one who was in the wrong. Because of my unfailing desire to see people redeem themselves, I let him back into my life after he proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that he really only was capable of caring for himself.
I’ve been gone from my usual omni-present all absorbing guild leading perch. Mostly, that’s because my real life explodes in the summertime. I’ve worked very hard to branch out, and do some new things this year. Including a professional theater venture.
It seems that no matter how much good I do in life, how good I seem to be at some things – lately it’s been that asshole echoing in my head. The worst part? The people closest to me, one in particular – I can’t really talk about how I feel. Why? “Just get over it.” Or yelling at me for having emotions about this. Apparently I’m not supposed to be human and allow these things to get to me. The people I have in my life are wonderful, but because of cultural differences and past behavior indicators – I just haven’t bothered to bring most of this up. I am also positive that if I do speak about it, this person will take it as some kind of deep personal flaw and close off. Because God(s) knows it’s not about me just needing to talk. It’s gotta be a huge deal. I’m either going to get yelled at and feel worse and told to “just get over it” or I’m going to make someone I deeply care ably feel like shit about themselves.
All of this AFTER dealing with a very public, very mean send off from a very manipulative person I should have told to f*ck off a long time ago.
Truthfully, it is moments like this when I just want to take my autism, and all my books, and everything I need and hole up in a room somewhere. I don’t understand people…that much is clear. It is becoming increasingly challenging to have people close to me who don’t understand mental illness, PTSD and autism. This whole “just get over it and focus on yourself” attitude that MOST of my friends have usually ends up making me feel worse about myself and more alone. I’m also positive that most of this is my fault because if I could just let go of things like this – if I could just move on – I wouldn’t need help.
My whole life it has been hard for me. I remember things as if they had just happened yesterday. Even if they happened 15 years ago. I have to actively work, everyday to not let my memory color my interactions with others. When things like this happen, and I lose a friend – even if they were a deeply flawed manipulative asshole who probably never listened to a word I said unless he thought he could use it against me or hurt someone else with it – still hurts.
When things like this happen, it makes me question everything. Every connection I make. If my judgement is that off in one manner, am I just surrounding myself with emotionally disconnected sociopaths? And not realizing it?
It does seem to be a repeating theme in my very flawed relationships. I don’t understand people very well.
So, lately, I’ve been doing what I normally do when something like this blows up in my face. I’ve been burying myself in work. I’ve been pulling away from people to heal. I’ve been wracked with the memories of things, and combing through every memory I have, trying to see where my processes are flawed.
The view of the world from inside my own head is maddening. I will figure it out. I always do. I have people I love very much that are helping me open up and heal. Even if they are gruff.
The world is spinning pretty fast right now, but only through things like this do we get stronger. Only through making mistakes, do we learn.
And hey, that’s one person I know for sure will never be able to make me cry again. Even in frustration.
I have much to do these coming weeks. Makeup, costumes, corsets, and many more work things I’ve dived into.
I’m looking forward to seeing the sun setting over the skyline of Chicago. It will be a good month, even better now that the weeds are out of the garden. No matter how much it hurts.
Xo xo xo