I’ve had a hell of a month. This is my crunch week for Wyrd Sisters – The show open in 17 days, and I am working on these pieces about 7-10 hours a day straight. On top of all the other work I do.
I’m REALLY TERRIBLE at reaching out and letting people close to me when I start feeling this way – all stressed and vulnerable. I turn inward.
Now, anyone who has ever had the arduous often daunting task of trying to get anywhere near me in any kind of meaningful way will tell you that it’s kind of like trying to get close to a rabid bear…or a pack of wolves.
It looks so cute until its snarling at you and about to eat your face.
I’ve been this way for pretty much as long as I can remember. I have this habit of throwing myself into my work. Just going until my fingers bleed – or in my case, I get a stress fever and am feeling like complete shit for days.
My back is killing me – it’s a train wreck down there. Its being managed, but…yikes.
Despite all the hiding and growling – and the last year of my life being a social nightmare…I’ve managed to walk away from things having met some really amazing people. People who don’t hear from me for a day and call and leave me messages, or text me and tell me to return to the world of the living. Things like that. Mostly – they ask if I am okay.
Of that select group of people – Most of which I really only met because of a video game – there is an even smaller number – single digits, that actually see if I am ok.
The feeling of letting people in is still very foreign to me, and because of a recent collision with an ex that ended in a very nasty, very public falling out (that he is still trying to pass off as my fault – not his) it has become even more so. After this last year – I was pretty sure that I would never trust anyone again. Yet, they keep proving me wrong.
My mother once told me that if I had enough friends to count on one hand – I was doing good. Real friends. Most of my life, if I had anyone there in that position – they left in one way or another eventually. Two years ago it kind of culminated in me getting really sick, and my best friend in the world passing away within months of each other.
It really isn’t a secret. I had a very public, very embarrassing nervous breakdown and around that same time – everyone I really thought I could count on decided in a weeks time that they were going to leave..all at once.
I had to basically suck up all the toxic things I had been spewing out around me for years and fix a lot of things. There are still people from that time who won’t talk with me.
However – this year has been a real eye opener. I have some amazing people in my life. I’m having to re-learn how to be a functional human. The way I learned at first was apparently not exactly functional. It’s the most terrifying thing I have ever had to do. Relying on other people in my life not to completely desert me and hurt me.
I am learning how to let people be there for me, to see me when I am weak and not on my a game…and Basically to let people love me.
I’ve always been one to look in the mirror and tell myself how I was deficient. I hardened myself up because I had to. I would do anything I could to stop people from knowing the real me – these are not the habits of a functional adult (I’ve been told.)
I did it for the best of reasons – survival…but I definitely completely closed myself off. I did the worst possible thing and succeeded. After all of that – And the fallout after, I am forced to look at my life again.
Who belongs there, who doesn’t. What I can do to make sure I never wind up completely dead inside again – And the first step to all of that is trimming off the dead weight and feeding the relationships that are healthy. I had to learn what those were, and how to accept and feed them.
I gotta say – I’m scared to death – opening up and letting people love me. Loving them back. It shouldn’t be completely alien at 30, but it really is (Save the few people who remain).
My goal for today? Look in the mirror, fight back the tears and say something nice for once. Baby steps…and I’ll get there.