I have some…issues…stemming from past problems. By problems I mean that I was in some abusive relationships that kind of messed up the way I think sometimes. Yes there has been therapy and yes there has been medication and support and all the stuff you are SUPPOSED to do – but there are some times that it all just comes flooding back. Sometimes it is triggered by the simplest things too.
Changes in behavior of people around me…Changes in routine. Really, it doesn’t take much for me to get my mental gears going. Lately, a lot of things have been changing for me. I have been getting much more business, I’m working on several writing projects, I am on the board of a professional theater company in Chicago, and between sewing and makeup and my writing, I really feel like I have something going for me.
A few days a go, someone from my past showed up in my life again. I will spare you the details, but this was not exactly a welcomed intrusion. That is to say, If I could have, I’d have run screaming in the other direction. So, I did the next best thing. I contacted the people I needed to contact and filed the things I needed to file and went home and cried. A lot. For hours that night.
Add to that, the fact that people I am close to, and have learned to lean on during these times are each going through things which make me feel guilty for even bringing up things that are going on with me…
But I digress. The last few days have been hard. The P.T.S.D. has been tripped in a pretty major way and I’ve been waking up about 8x or so a night again. It happens like this sometimes…when working through and processing traumatic blah blah blah…Point is, it sucks. It sucks and I can’t shut it off. I have had enough therapy to know that all of this is normal. I even have some coping mechanisms. When you wake yourself and half the house up screaming because you are having a dream you don’t know is a dream…all those coping skills are out the window.
So, needless to say, sleeping has not been happening so easily. Well…staying asleep. This too shall pass, as they say, but not sleeping puts everything else on edge. I get cranky, I get upset, My anxiety goes through the roof. This, of course makes me a REAL treat to deal with. As in…I pretty much become a huge pain in the ass. I start getting really withdrawn..avoiding talking to people, even friends. Honestly, its no fun.
It’s amazing how the human memory works. After years, seeing someone’s face can just…put you back in that head space. I’m very glad that I’ve had enough help to understand at least intellectually what is happening to me because…getting thrown back into things like this is not only exhausting but it’s really kind of confusing and sad.
I know that I will be ok, I’m really in a better place now than I have been in years, and maybe that is part of what is scaring me. Usually, when things go well in my life, when it seems that there is a light at the end of the tunnel, it usually turns out to be a train. A train coming right for me. So, it is a conditioned response, I don’t want to get flattened by the train again.
I just have to keep working. Keep doing the next right thing and eventually, it will really be a light, and not a train. That’s what I keep telling myself anyway.