I’ve written here often about my startling ineptitude when it comes to navigating romantic relationships. If there is a way to ruin one, I will not only find it, but I will un-intentionally implement it at the WORST POSSIBLE TIME.
I am also, quite frankly, so analytical that I am my own worst enemy. I will sit there and analyze every aspect of what someone says…friend, significant other, teller at the bank…I remember EVERYTHING.
This makes communication with a significant other pretty much a nightmare. While this kind of rapid fire fact recollection is amazing in say..a courtroom, or when writing some sort of fact based history novel…It is really awful when you are talking to someone you love.
Why? Because the pain and anger and frustration just simmers. The flavors get stronger. So when you finally do talk to the person you love – they say one thing and its like this rapid fire concentrated stream of crazy that is usually only reserved for…special circumstances.
There was a significant other who once told me (It was a long distance relationship) that certain aspects weren’t real for him. That he didn’t feel like certain things were actually happening. This sat with me for a long time. I said nothing…I said nothing when he began to pull away. I said nothing when I started hearing rumors about him and other women in our gaming community…And I said nothing when he dumped me on my birthday.
So when…a year or so later I found myself involved in ANOTHER long distance deal (With someone who is nothing at all like the previous relationship), and the person says “Things just aren’t real enough for me..” I can’t get it out of my head. This time, instead of not saying anything…I can’t stop thinking, talking, fixating on it. I cant let it go. Not just because once again someone I care about has described some of the most beautiful moments I’d shared with another human being as “Not exactly real” – But because it was like history repeating itself. I felt all the pain of the cheating…the lies, the pain of being dumped (On my birthday no less) and it all came back in this giant flash of crazy.
Relationships are living things. Make no mistake about it. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. You can nurture them and they grow…but if you aren’t careful, you can kill them. Killing a relationship isn’t the same thing as breaking up. A lot of people live in dead relationships for a very long time. Just trying to bring that magic back…
Looking back over all my relationships, I can tell you the exact moment the relationship died. It is usually many months, sometimes years…before the relationship ends. In the first relationship I spoke of, it died the day he said that things just…”Weren’t real” enough for him. It’s a good thing too because “Not real enough” turned out to be code for “I’ll fuck anything with a hole that will hold still long enough. You want to talk too much and I can’t get what I need from you without looking at you face to face.”
I’ll follow up on the second one some other time. Mostly because even just typing about this has flooded me with memories, and the tapes are starting again…the…repeating inner monologue.
If you are lucky enough to be in a relationship – Protect it. Nurture it. Even if your partner is crazy, neurotic, and difficult. Even when you fight, and things get tense…Protect each other…Protect the life of your relationship.
There are enough things that come along in the world that will try and kill it for you – Don’t be crazy enough to do it to each other.