I was sitting in my friend Rowans apartment in Chicago, surrounded by good friends – discussing Batman and future theater projects – When I got the news that Lou Reed had passed away.
I grew up listening to him, and it was very sad news for me to get.
I’ve had some very hard times these last two months. I won’t go into details, but I was physically sick enough that I lost 54 pounds in two months.
I couldn’t keep my psych meds down, and eventually that led to the need for an inpatient stay to get everything regulated. While I was in there I had a ton of other actual medical things done to me – I spent six days getting poked, prodded and essentially injected with just about everything that they thought may help. Eventually, something did. I’m still not sure what – but I stopped throwing up, was able to keep my meds down and within 72 hours, I was able to stop having panic attacks and start sleeping and you know – handling my shit.
I’m really terrible at asking for help when I know I’m slipping. Especially because I have terrible trust issues. These last two months have been like a hellscape as far as my trust issues being aggravated.
Someone who was very close to me for five years. Someone who saved my life and helped pull me out of an incredibly abusive situation is now no longer a part of my life at all. This happened very quickly – and this person was someone I had come to see as my rock. I have terrible abandonment issues as is and this pretty much just cemented in my brain that anyone I get close to is eventually just going to throw me away.
I also took a chance and let two new people into my life. Getting close to people is always a huge gamble for me, because A) everyone I’ve ever been close to eventually dies or leaves in some kind of fiery fountain of death and destruction that involves screaming, name calling and in some cases court restraining orders, and B) it usually takes a very long time for me to open up and be honest with people and show them who I actually am.
Both of these people were complicated in their own right – and I’m exhausted of explaining the full situation. Suffice to say – I’m no longer on speaking terms with either of them and after helping one of them monetarily, as well as growing very close emotionally – I saw proof that he was openly manipulating me, using me for money and to see what else he could get out of me, and is now spreading a whole bunch of shit about me.
Aside from two people – the friends I’ve made recently have all turned out to be very manipulative dick holsters.
I’m not perfect here. I’m mentally ill, My meds were off and my decision making was off. The bullying and abuse from the server I used to play on is still continuing. I think I’m going to start posting the letters here with all the grammar corrected in red pen.
I’m having a really hard time, but I know things will look up. They have to. With the exception of two instances in my life – things can’t get much worse.
I’ll update you all in a few days.