I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching lately. Thinking. Events in my life have compelled me to take a look inside myself and decide if what I was seeing was worth keeping around.
Before you panic, I’m not suicidal. I don’t mean it like that. I’m working on removing specific behaviors that have not served me well. Replacing them with things that might actually make me a more functional human being. Perhaps even less socially awkward (I am, however, not getting my hopes up there.)
I recently had my life pruned of people I had let in – past the usual place I keep most people at. One of them enjoyed a position closest to me emotionally that I have ever let anyone get. He was my best friend for five years. This person knew me better than anyone ever has…because I let him.
One day, there was an argument. Different from the others that we had gotten into (inevitably) over the last five years and by the end of the day, he told me he never wanted to speak to me again. That he needed space.
Quite honestly I was furious…but when I had time to settle down, and think about all of this. I simply started blaming myself. I started to look at my life – because he is NOT the first person close to me to just up an leave – to basically throw me away – I started looking at all of this and I realized something. The one common denominator in all of this is me.
It didn’t help that the very same day that all happened two other people I had gotten close to decided to trade things back and forth and paint a…very unflattering and somewhat inaccurate picture of me, and events that had transpired.
Am I an angel? Nope. I’m an extremely private woman who tends to get very defiant and pissed off when I sense that anyone is trying to nose around in my business. This reaction comes from years of people deciding who I was, who I am, what my motivations are…mostly without talking to me. For the most part, if anyone has spoken to me about anything having to do with me, or my behavior, it has been to yell at me…not to understand me.
I could write a novel full of the appalling and twistedly incorrect things I’ve been accused of just in the last three years – and in most of those situations people have acted first, after they decided they understood my actions and motivations. They did the damage, then, if I was lucky, they came and talked to me about it. If I am lucky, they will tell me why they are doing what they are doing.
Most of the time though…like my former best friend…People just leave. They leave and they tell the world what a terrible person you are. They justify things with “You know exactly what you did…” But no one EVER talks to me about it. They just…move on.
In the old days, when one kingdom would conquer another, they would sow salt into the fields…make the land barren. They would completely conquer them…make them submit. If it wasn’t salt, it was torture, or fire, or some other means of complete and utter take no prisoners domination. They didn’t just want the newly acquired people to see their authority – they wanted them broken.
In looking over all of this, I realize that if these are the things I’m comparing my social interactions and my friendships to – then maybe I need to re-think some things. This Year has been all about growth for me. Changing the things I don’t like about myself, and my life – meeting them head on – and affecting the changes that it takes to make things truly better.
In many ways it has helped a ton. I have seen so many positive changes in myself and things are starting to really take root. I have been really beating myself up, as I always do when these kinds of things happen…only now? It hurts more. All this work and when I hear the rumors…or I think about the last five years – I wonder if it is just my destiny to be gossiped about in terrible ways, misunderstood and treated like something you throw away the moment the novelty wears off.
I’m not going to stop the work I’m doing…It may increase in fact…but on nights like this, when its cold and snowing, and all I have to do is think, My mind wanders some pretty strange places.
The only thing I can do is keep my head up, meet the world (and some of the assholes in it) head on, keep trying to do the next right thing, try and make it better when I fuck up, and no matter HOW MUCH salt they throw in my fields, I gotta keep that garden going. I refuse to submit to anyone. I refuse to be broken. I will keep learning, I will keep going, and most of all – I will keep growing. I will do it no matter what people say.
Love you all…