Life on repeat.

I recently had a birthday. I turned 31. Those of you who keep up with this blog, or know me in some way, know that my birthdays are not exactly a happy point for me. In fact I have joked that my birthday is cursed.

Year after year. Since I was about twelve, on my birthday, something bad has always happened. This runs the proverbial gamut from something as simple as a bad grade, or a fight with someone, to death and destruction of some kind.

This year was especially hard. The last five years I have had the company of someone I was very close to, who recently decided to add his name to the long list of people who have decided to make a grand exit from my life. I understand WHY he did it. We had been fighting quite a bit recently, and he blamed me for a lot of the things that were going downhill in his life. This person was my best friend. He saw me on a level that I rarely let anyone see me. Being essentially thrown out after opening up like that turns what is usually a small campfire into a twelve alarm forest fire of doom and stupid.

In other words, the last few months of my life have been really painful. It isn’t something I can easily talk about with anyone because, you know…I don’t process my emotions so well. I never really know how to discuss these things, let alone actually cry about it and make some sort of progress in dealing with the root of the issue.

Abandonment.

That is one of the worst feelings in the world and one that I fear more than just about any other. I have, in the past, even gone as far as to put great distance between myself and others to avoid ever feeling this feeling again. It has been a rather instructive few weeks.

I’ve been oscillating somewhere between intense anger and feeling very much confused and alone. I have other friends, sure. One does not simply replace people though. Every friend is an individual. Every person is different.

Add to that the fact that not one, but two of my exes have come back into my life. The most recent one decided to message me to “See how I was doing.” This is the man who basically set me up. The man who is responsible for twisting just about every word I ever said to him around, costing me friendships – actually, a better way to say it was that he essentially blew up not one but several of my friendships. The other one is one who has popped in and out of my life several times over the years and trust is…shall we say, tenuous at best.

Actually, this is the man who listened to everyone else’s opinions of me over mine. This is the man who met me when I had just lost a close friend (Read ad…he died), was dealing with a lot of health concerns and was in a downward emotional nose dive due to being temporarily taken off my medication. I.E. I was on a crazy train to crazy town. I am not proud of how I behaved a lot with this man. At all. Still doesn’t justify some of the things I went through with him. Still doesn’t make any of this easy. Especially since he is being open about wanting to earn my trust back. I’m thinking a lot about where to draw lines with people. On the one hand I believe very strongly in a persons ability to redeem themselves. On the other hand…when people who know me are saying they are “Worried that I may have Stockholm Syndrome” because I am actually speaking to him…That sets off alarms as well.

It is also worth noting that these things only seem to happen when I have someone in my life (Romantic or not) that seems to pierce the veil of thundering bullshit I throw up to throw people off the scent of who I am. The things I do to keep people away from me…From finding out who I really am.

It seems that every time I let someone that close really bad things happen.

The two I mentioned above are really just two examples of a long list of people genuinely getting close enough and deciding that I was…well, either full of shit or just too messed up. Both of these men decided they were going to mess with me. That’s usually how it goes.

Granted, one of them usually messes with me by being nice and apologetic…but…I’m really trying to figure out how I actually feel here. Working through some issues.

Trying not to bang my head against the wall.

I’m done.

Love and stuff

Lexxx

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2 thoughts on “Life on repeat.

  1. You’ve hit a fork in the road and one where you had to make a choice. All choices are hard and many of which involve pain. As hard as it is, you need a spiritual revival and fount of energy that can sustain you and if much of the energy has held you down, it will continue to until you realize that it’s holding you back. You are growing much in this process and in fixes and tweaks, you are becoming more and more, who you want and need to be. You are perfecting your self-image and seeing to it, that you are setting yourself up for decades in the future, and not just a month or a few days.

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