I was one of those women who was poisoned by fairy tales…I still kind of am. I so know better…at this point in my life I flirted with the idea of believing if love was actually a real thing or something that was made up by people with really awesome imaginations who maybe did a lot of opium or heroin and got REALLY confused because the sex was awesome. But…I know that Love is actually a real thing. I’ve been hurt WAY too many times at this point to NOT know.
My first REAL love happened when I was seventeen and not looking. I was miserable over breaking up with a guy I had dated sophomore year of high school. I had cut off all my hair and was going through my “If it is ripped and makes me look like a hooker – I’ll wear it…because that must mean I am edgy” Phase. He was fifteen. We were both in this Catholic High school…I was “Doing my part to make the world a better place to live” and burning copies of good music…Making mixes. I’d find these freshman and hand it to them in the halls, usually looking RIDICULOUS, I’d say something like “Don’t be a pussy. Listen to this.” Most of the time it just garnered me dirty looks and the like but every once in awhile…it was epic. I happen to know that at least two people carried on the tradition after I graduated.
Matt was one case where it was epic.
I handed him a copy of “…And out come the wolves.” Because that’s what I was forcing down peoples throats that week. I looked at him…In my Catholic school uniform, ripped fishnets, black hair…I think I may have been wearing Goth makeup and bunny ears? I don’t remember…I handed him the record and looked at him right in the eyes “Listen to this, don’t be a pussy.” He took it…Without missing a beat he replied “Thanks. Try not being such a pushy bitch.”
We dated for two years.
That was my first lesson in “If a man is willing to cheat on someone WITH you – It means he will cheat ON you…A LOT.”
Needless to say, that went down in FLAMES. There was Drama, Intrigue, Sex in places there shouldn’t ever be sex…a lot…We were kids and we were REALLY stupid. We thought we were edgy and awesome and that the world was really messed up and owed us something. Eventually, he settled down. I really didn’t…I became politically active and outspoken. Got mixed up in the kind of bullshit that only happens when you get into reading and politics.
(Keep in mind. The year I turned 18, 9-11 happened and George W. Bush had just been elected to his FIRST term. Yeah…I had A LOT of reasons to be mad.)
I caught up with him as an adult. He’s in the Navy in some fishing town in Maine. Presumably Married. Happy.
Everything after him has just been some kind of repeat of some of the qualities I fell in love with with him…Until I turned about mid twenties that is. All of them have looked VERY different but I definitely have a type.
Yeah, that’s a quote from “Girls”. Bite me. It’s absolutely true.
I’m not going to bore you with a complete relationship history, but in order to know how the train wrecked itself, it’s important to see where it started.
This year could have been the turning point in my life when I ended up like the crazy cat lady locked in a closet yelling at people to get off my lawn.
Some REALLY Painful and Traumatic stuff happened to me, especially where relationships with other humans are concerned.
Looking at where I was last year at this time, and where I am now…
I have been through some REALLY TRAUMATIC and DIFFICULT SHIT. These last three years especially.
I am ok. I am learning. I am becoming…slowly…whatever it is I am supposed to be. I am learning new things…day by day.
See Above for a few of the highlights.
I also learned that I am actually okay. That even if I end up completely alone and with cats writing somewhere in a hovel – I’ll be OKAY.
Of course…I could not have come to that conclusion without the massive help of some people I love very much being very infinitely patient with me and all of my neuroses.
You know who you are.
I’ve babbled enough here. Time to go work on an article for the site and write some fiction.
Xo Xo Xo,