Fear of the unknown

There is one thing I fear and hate more than things going poorly – things falling apart. That is things going well.

Right now…things are actually going really well.

People in WoW are talking LESS shit about me…and if they are, its only one or two really hateful people who always talk shit. Granted, they are really loud and they tell everyone all kinds of things that aren’t true – but I’m starting to care less who says I’m a prostitute…or a whore.

My guild and I are making some awesome stories. They take a lot of planning but I am coming to realize that I have a lot of amazing and wonderful people around me.

Every time things start going well like this…I start to panic. In my experience – when things start going well. The light at at the end of the tunnel is usually a train…coming right for me.

I could give you all kinds of examples, but that just makes me depressed and highlights the fact that I am God Awful at picking people to trust.

I have been thinking a lot about relationships lately. Namely, why mine haven’t worked in the past. I’ve been involved with some grade A douchebags….Like the man who told me that I would never be enough for him and He would never be mine unless I allowed him to be polygamous. In all fairness he did say that I would be able to nail her too. (Real Keeper).

There was the guy who told me that he couldn’t tell his friends about me until I lost fifty pounds. I was like his secret fat girl fetish.

I tend to attract complicated men…Men with hang-ups and pasts. Men who tell me they love me in private but who are embarrassed to tell their friends about me…Or their former partners that they still live with. (That was fun)

I was with a man for 5 years who would barely touch me because “Sex Isn’t an On/Off Switch” and who spent more money on guns, booze and weed than he did on us. He never had a job for more than a year because he would always find a reason why he was “Better than the job he was doing and no one deserved him” and even though he asked me to marry him – he literally dumped me every 6 months and would come up with some of the most hateful reasons in the world why all of the problems In our relationship were my fault.

I thought this was NORMAL.

So now, when things are going relatively well – I am terrified that things are just going to completely go to shit – because that happens.

I want to be the kind of woman that people are proud to love – but in the past I haven’t been. I want to be the kind of woman that doesn’t drive my partner to yell and scream and say terrible things to me – but in the past, I have not been.

Bottom line – things are going well right now. I hope against hope that they stay that way. There is just a big part of me that is dissecting everything to try and find the hole. The fatal flaw –

How do all of you get over that? (If you do it)

xo xo xo

Lexxx

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5 thoughts on “Fear of the unknown

  1. I see that you are writing again. I’m glad to see that you are growing and finding your stride. You deserve happiness and all the benefits that come with it. Keep up the good work!

  2. You deserve far more than you have gotten..not every light is a train coming to destroy you. Don’t be afraid to take up your sword, and fight back the lies. Remember, your sword will not betray you, will not condemn you, it lives to serve and protect you.

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