I’m getting really old. Not because my thirties make me old – even though I do spend MUCH of my time in video games with people who live in college dorms and who’s ages end in “Teen” – but because I am FEELING old.
These last few years have really taken it out of me. They say that you are only as old as you feel – well…I’ve lived a very “Full Life” and I feel like I need a cane. I am especially finding myself getting overly frustrated with people…and interactions with them. I’ve been working though a lot of things from my (recent) past and I’ve not been the easiest person to be with, be around, deal with…be in the same room as…
But the memories are coming back slowly. I have this incredible ability to repress things that are emotionally traumatic. I forget how mean people can be to me in the search for trying to see the good in them. I am so busy trying to see how fucking good they are that I let them walk all over me and say things to me that I wouldn’t want said to someone I really disliked. I guess, In the end though…that’s people. We are all a bunch of assholes. Me included.
There is someone in my life who I really have to set a boundary with this week that I am dreading. Two people actually…One of which I have to tell that they are basically too toxic to have around. This is something people have (Mistakenly or not. I’m kind of a mess) told me since I was 14. I’m amending the old Marilyn Monroe quite – If you can’t handle me at my worst, It is understandable. I’m kind of a bitch.
One of these people is basically forcing their way into my safe space and not taking ANY hints at all to leave. Every time someone expresses any desire to like…not have them there…because they don’t really do anything but hang out there and make everyone uncomfortable. Usually I am the one who has to pay for this because I am the one trying to create the safe place.
The other…Is kind of a painful rock and a hard place situation. This is someone I have grown very close to. Someone I happen to love very much. Someone who I have had to fight pretty hard to give the benefit of the doubt on some things. Now…before those of you reading this are having a moment of panic (Or most of you don’t care because I am not so scary) thinking it’s you. It likely isn’t. If you are really that scared just ask. I’ll tell you straight up. The truth of the matter is that I didn’t realize what a fool I was looking like…How I was being treated, and really…how it was making me feel until I had a moment to really sit and think about it. In the end people treat me like shit because I let them…I’m working really hard on not letting them anymore. One moment at a time.
That’s a quote from a book I read the first time when I was on suicide watch at age 18 at a local hospital.
Looking at it again from age 31 doesn’t make it any less true.
I bear some responsibility in this disturbing as hell spiral of douche baggery that seems to keep repeating in my life like the punch line of a running gag that the comedian doesn’t get isn’t funny anymore. (Aaaand now I’m depressed because I realized that my emotional life is the hangover series.)
But really…it all keeps boiling down to one thing and one thing only.
Not because I forget things…But because I have this really self depreciating way of letting them happen while they are going on…repressing them because…who has time to feel like shit when its actually appropriate to do so – then getting the living hell fisted out of my emotional well being later when I’m alone and no one is checking for the monsters under my bed. Usually without lube. Or a warning.
I’d like to be able to brace myself and bite the pillow at least once.
I also find myself reading things like this and cringing…
I keep having this dream…where people in my life tell me thank you. That they are proud of me…That what I do matters. Yes, there are a few that I hear this from consistently…but so much of life is just getting the brush off from people.
Mostly…it’s those closest to me.
My family…My closest friends. We all get tunnel vision. I try to tell each and every one of them every day how much I love them…How much they mean to me. I’ve even been told to knock it off because I’m annoying.
My wells are running really dry and I feel like I’m going to pass out swimming up stream at this point.
There are so many people in my life who seem to only talk to me when they need or want something. That’s it. I’m tired of making these kinds of memories for myself and I’m tired of feeling like, in my life, things just happen to me. I feel like there are A LOT of people I need to be saying this to…but every time I try, I clam up and default to the sympathetic, empathetic person who just wants the best for those around her. Instead of the raging, acid tongued bitch that I am to myself and occasionally those close to me. Something tells me that part of my problem is that its not the other way around sometimes.
I really don’t have all the answers. I usually try and end these sessions on a positive note but I really don’t have anything all that positive to say right now. I’m fighting my way through a jungle of self doubt, depression, anxiety and whatever that voice in my head is that likes to scream at me in my fathers voice when I already feel like I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry…but I am here. I guess that’s the happy ending for today. I am here. I am talking about it all…I may be losing my mind one marble at a time – but sometimes the only act of defiance you have in moments like these is to keep on plowing through.
I’ll let you all know how the culling of the herd goes.
Until next time