I can’t wait to grow up and figure this out.

My mother has always told me  – You either love someone, or you don’t. If you love them, there isn’t really any question there. When you love them, you know – and that feeling permeates your entire being. You can’t do anything BUT love them. It consumes you. It honestly bothers the living shit out of me when people FIGHT that – like they can’t stand to be happy or something.  This includes me.

I’ve been in MANY relationships over the coarse of my life – Since the first one I was in at age 13 (He was 15 respectively) – All of them have one thing in common. All of them have told me they would be with me forever, and at least 98% (On average) have proposed (Ring or not). That’s right…I’ve been with that many liars – because I am not married. The most notable of these left a WEEK before the wedding. For my then best friend. I caught them in our bed.

The longest of these being a 5 year relationship that I am still close to the other party. Close as In we text on a daily basis. Just to check in.

What this has caused in me is this intense fear and feeling of being trapped and needing to “get out” when a man (or woman) looks me in the eyes and says “I want to be with you forever”. Flying Spaghetti monster forbid that they use the word “Soulmate”.

This intense fear, however, does not stop me from taking the bait each and every time. I just turn into one of those annoying, overly clingy women with crazy eyes because I have SERIOUS abandonment issues.

After you look at someone like I look at people who say those things to me – There is no going back. They usually break up with me within a month of that look…or the REALLY SPECIAL ones stick around and toy with me for awhile after that. I’ve heard a lot of really pretty talk from a lot of people just trying to see what it was like to be loved…or let’s face it – get laid one more time. Truth of it though…I’ve seen very little love as action in my life. Romantic or otherwise.

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I’ve been in a haze lately. Feeling sicker than I have in a good long while. I’m pretty sure that is because I’ve been getting way too much sun – and that is never good. Not for people like me anyway. I actually think I watched freckles pop on my lips. I may be part Italian but I’m the PALE kind of Italian.

I’m working in a script. There is so much inside me that I feel I need to let out and its not coming out well. I sit down to write and basically I just….It’s like everything I write is utter crap. I’ll let you in on a little secret…

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Seriously. My brain is a landmine of voices all screaming at me that I’m terrible and that I suck and should just stop writing…and I have to get past all the screaming to see what is really there. Some days its harder than others.

I’m pretty sure that this is why so many writers have OD’d, drank themselves to death or eaten a bullet – because this landmine doesn’t ever shut off.

I wish it were simpler to explain and I didn’t sound so melodramatic all the time but it is what it is.

Time to go do more work. Love you all.

~Lexxx

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7 thoughts on “I can’t wait to grow up and figure this out.

  1. I’ve got the same voice thing, it’s ridiculous. As a for-instance, I noticed whoever did some prep at work didn’t put date tags on what they’d worked on, and I had no idea how long ago they were made. The following occured in my head:

    Instinctual, constantly insistent voice: You can’t leave it like that.
    Logical, conscious thought: And you expect me to do what about it?
    Can’t ever give it up because this voice is always right: You can’t leave it like that.
    Poor me who can apparently never be good enough: Again, you expect me to do what about it?

    This is the daily bombardment I deal with. I start cleaning, the “perfection” rears its head and tells me what to do and what not to do. I get fed up, I don’t want to deal with it, I balk and put off cleaning again. There is an incessant yammering criticizing my every move. And it’s unfixable. I’ve tried responding kindly, shouting inwardly to shut up, but none of it ever stops. *sigh*

      • Thanks, it felt good to share it. I want to say it was my Mother who started it all, but that apparently can’t be right because I’ve not heard her voice for over a year. What clued me in that it may be her was one time when I switched phone companies I didn’t call for about three weeks to let her know and instead of the constant nagging incessant crap, I had song lyrics taking up my inner dialogue. I thought it would be easy to just keep communications to email and leave it all behind… But it’s not working.

        Of course, none of it deters me from my goals. It’s frustrating, to be sure, but it gives me a reason to continue in spite of the damned negativity that constantly persists. New friends, new interests, new experiences can all be commented on by that stupid voice, but the truth lies in my own understanding. So what if it thinks it’s superior. If it were, it wouldn’t be trying so hard to win.

  2. that voice has plagued me for a long time, one of the many reasons i haven’t done much in my life, it convinces me if i do something it will fuck up all of my hopes and dreams and that ill be trapped where i am. and i know you can relate, cuz that voice needs to eat shite and shut the fuck up.

    on the note of the first part, that is so infuriating to ,me, you know me i am an easy goin guy, happy, silly, and it takes quite a lot to piss me off.. but twisting someones heart into falling in love and then betraying that makes me go apeshit. i value loyalty, i’m one of those guys that feels blessed to have the woman i have, why would i risk everything for someone else? you desurve someone who shows you they love you, even if its hard. you have earned that…and i hope whoever you are with or find, that they dont fuck that up.

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