I’ve had a lot of time lately to think – namely because I was just in the hospital for four days. I had a really nasty kidney infection that came coupled with the passing of stones. So – basically the kind of pain that makes you want to claw your own skin off. Or perform surgery on yourself just to get the evil out of you.
Pain is one of the only things in the world that – as miserable as it is while you are going through it (And keep in mind. I was on some pretty strong pain drugs and still am – so if I wander a bit…deal with it) – it’s one of the only things in the world that has the ability to really make things seem clear. You are forced to go at things moment by moment. Not wander too far ahead. You can get in a loop reminiscing (Or in my case, thinking about the past and cursing) – but you really can’t go too far ahead of yourself. If you do, there is a lovely stabbing sensation that happens to remind you that you need to hang right where you are and breathe.
Henry Rollins has several quotes about things in general that I love – but one that I have written on my vanity mirror in eyeliner because I say it to myself every day. “Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength, move on.”
When you have been through things like I have – And if you have read my blog at all you know that I have walked myself to the edge of insanity several times, fallen off the cliff and had to claw my way back up and out of it – you tend to look at the things in your life coming down the pipe and see every light at the end of every tunnel as a potential train coming to roll over your body and soul flattening every dream you have. Like the thread of the mole men attack that is constantly hanging over our heads (that everyone knows about…but no one ever talks about or prepares for *shifty eyes*) …(I’m not paranoid. I swear – the “Lamestream” media just won’t talk about it).
These last few days have brought several things into sharp focus for me. I will sum them up here as succinctly as I can and explain as well as I can.
1) When you love someone, and you are in a position of weakness – like say, being in a hospital – and the person you love is unable to be there for whatever reason (Money, Mole men, Transportation etc…) It makes the pain suck a whole lot worse. It doesn’t even have to be a romantic love scenario. Basically – when you are going through something like that…You don’t want to be alone. I spent MOST of my time up there alone. My family came for a few hours some of the days but…I was there, pretty much feeling defeated, embarrassed as people poked me with needles and shoved fingers and instruments into various holes in my body – It would have been nice to have someone there holding my hand. I try and be really tough, and strong – but in moments like that…I am anything but. I think most people are.
2) When people don’t know what to say to you about something…They either don’t talk to you, or they kind of sit there awkwardly and ask questions they really don’t want the answers to. For example “So, you had that test today…what exactly did they do to you?” – NO ONE ever really wants the answer to that question. They may THINK they do – but they don’t. Being the autistic social ass that I am…I usually just tell them. Leaving my friend to picture what is likely a very horrifying image for them.
3) Nurses and doctors are either some of the most empathetic, caring, wonderful people in the world – or they are actually sadists with the legal right to gain pleasure from torturing their patients. There were SEVERAL things wrong with this hospital stay – People giving me misleading information, cultures not being done of things that should have been cultured. Being released when I am STILL in no shape to be released and with absolutely no explanation for it. They literally (I shit you not) gave me a diagnosis and said “We are saying this is what it is because we have had you here for four days and we don’t know what is going on.”
4) I really can’t cry in front of other people. In almost all situations – with very few exceptions, even if I am about to explode. I. Just. Can’t. And this complicates things when trying to seem genuine in explaining that you feel like someone has a hot knife and is twisting it into your kidney.
Anyway. I need to go lay down…I just had a lot of things I needed to get off my chest. I will likely update again in the next few days simply because I have a lot of things coming up that I need to analyze and talk about.
Love you all. Comments are appreciated. If you like it here – tell your friends.
xo xo xo