It used to be customary for me to use music as writing prompts. Today I will be using two songs…both of which perfectly encapsulate the kind of week I’ve had and both should tell you volumes about where I’m at with things in general.
I’m going to start all of this off by saying – I found out a few days ago that someone I cared about very much during a very rough time in my life passed away. I have had some, shall we say eye opening discussions with people that I care about and to be completely frank here, I’m upset, hurt and finally very angry. I believe a therapist I had once called this “The grieving process.”
In the midst of all of this, I was alerted that a man who hurt me in ways I can’t even describe was arrested, and is looking at hard prison time. He will never be prosecuted directly for what he did to me – Namely because he got off when I tried to press charges before (He out lawyered me and evidence was suppressed). Honestly, I’m combatting some pretty complex feelings right now. It’s been almost a decade of people basically treating me like I’m a liar – generally being skeptical of me and..you get the idea. Going through something like that changes a person.
Because of this, and a few other notable situations (And I know I’m not perfect) I’ve basically spent almost a decade keeping people at arms length. If they show the slightest doubt in me..refusing to deal with them. Want to see Photo Proof of what I just told you? Nope. We’re done. I know it’s true and I am so exhausted of having to prove myself.
It’s made my life a living hell and seeing a light at the end of this Willie Wonka LSD Trip from hell should make me feel GOOD. Instead, I’m remembering all the things I forced myself to suppress to survive and it was infinitely worse than I ever could have communicated it was.
I feel like everything is just flooding back and I’m flailing and overloading.
I’ll keep everyone updated but I am essentially just really REALLY raw right now.
We will see how all this develops.
For now…I’m Blah.
xo xo xo