Your body floods with all kinds of chemicals. You drip with endorphins. Your entire makeup is fundamentally different than it was before you met the object of your affection. Your decision making processes are different – everything quite literally changes.
This is (Among other reasons) why countless songs, movies, books, poems, suicide notes and any other medium of expression you can think of have covered the matter since the dawn of man.
No other force in the universe has the power to take a sane, rational person and reduce them to nothing but feral instinct and longing quite like those first moments of falling in love. This goes doubly for those unfortunate moments when the love is unrequited.
I haven’t written much lately because I have been busy staring down my own demons (They aren’t playing nicely again), but I thought it was time to check in. I’m not exactly comfortable writing about what has been going on yet so I will be telling you a story.
I’ve fallen in love a few times in my life. Legitimately in love. I can count them on my one hand. One of those times – I was very certain that the person I was in love with would be the person I was with for the rest of my life.
It, of course, didn’t work out that way for a number of reasons – most of them having to do with my own mental illness and complications thereof…but…I loved this man with all my heart. Which is why it hurt so badly when I was blindsided.
This is one of the few people I’ve let see all of me. He saw the good, the bad, the argyle and the ugly. Even almost two years into the relationship I still would have walked over hot coals and broken glass if he had even hinted that he wanted me to.
We started on a dating site. I was really cynical and I made him text me for a month before I would even agree to meet him. So when I did and I wound up feeling like I hadn’t felt since I was fifteen – it was as much a surprise to me as it was to anyone. I was with him for a year and a half before I moved in..and when I did, it was less than six months and he was telling me he wasn’t in love with me, that he didn’t think he could love anyone and that, essentially I was a terrible mistake.
Those words seem to be re-occouring in my love life. I seem to be enough of a handful that men and women alike run away screaming (Or in his case, casually. Coldly stroll away). This one hurts like it does because I got dumped trying to correct a mistake (choice) I had made. I guess every action has consequences – and in this case, those consequences were losing someone who repeatedly told you they would always be there for you.
I should have known it was a bad deal. Especially since your brain processes falling in love the same way it processes smoking crack. I’m not kidding. I let my guard down and tried to let my masks fall away. All my defenses went down with this person and it..unfortunately hurt me pretty deeply. I’m not going to go into too many details as this person is still a friend of mine and I respect his privacy. I also look like a giant ass in the end.
It’s just no small wonder that people spend their entire lives letting it revolve around love in one way or another. It fundamentally changes you – the same way that crack cocaine does. If you’re lucky, it does it in a less harmful way. If not, best of luck mending that broken heart – because with all those changes going on to you biologically it is most certainly not in your mind.
It didn’t have a happy ending for me that time…but my mother likes to say that there is someone out there for everyone. All we can do is try and learn from our mistakes and not (in my case) fall in love with people who believe they are fundamentally incapable of loving another human. Kind of sets the bar in an impossible place.
I’ve moved on and life isn’t so bad these days but…this time of year always makes me think about loves that have come and gone. Autumn makes me nostalgic.
I wanted to let you guys all know that I’m doing ok, that life is getting a little bit better every day and that I will be making an appearance here more (I know I always say that but I mean it this time).
Keep your head up. Your heart protected and…I hope that this explains why you and your friends all go bat shit insane when they are falling in love. As Whitney Houston once said “Crack is Whack”.
Love you all.