I spent last night in a very restless state. I’ve been under a lot of stress lately (but this is nothing new to me).
When I’m under stress like this, I tend to have some pretty wicked nightmares. Last night, I was dreaming about people I love getting in car accidents, re living memories from my past that were kind of scarring the first time…And just, in general, having a really shitty vivid sleep experience.
If I had nightmares about monsters and/or general horror kind of things like moat people, I’d likely wake up tired – but at least knowing that what I was afraid of wasn’t real.
I have never had nightmares like that…at least not since I was a kid and I got really scared of Ghostbusters 2 and I wouldn’t take a bath alone for awhile because I was terrified that ooze was going to come up through the pipes and kill me. Consequently, that was also when my parents started realizing I may not be like other kids…I was always wicked literal but that was a bit much…even for them.
The dreams last night were vivid…I remember trying to wake myself up several times. My therapist worked with me for a long time on waking myself up when I have a flashback dream – kind of like reclaiming the moment. I was not able to do it.
Instead, I got to walk back through some pretty traumatic stuff. Some really surprising stuff showed up too. Stuff I didn’t think I was still mad about. Stuff that seemed pretty benign actually…that apparently I am actually really upset about.
I hate times like this. I really do. I never know how to tell someone that they upset me in the moment, and I usually just “get over it” (I.e. move on, distract myself with other things) and inevitably it comes up later, like this or in the form of the person doing something relatively small and me basically shutting down and pushing them away.
I’m coming to grips with the fact that the last 2.5 years have been really hard. I apparently surrounded myself with a bunch of self centered assholes who got what they needed or wanted and then found a convenient excuse to leave…but not before they destroyed my guild (which the party in question not only isn’t sorry for, but is still blaming on me), or my reputation…You know. Little things like that…(if you could see my face right now…)
I’ve had very few people I could depend on…And the ones that I have kept close have seen a whole lot of what I mention above unfold.
The most disheartening part of all of this is the discovery that my trust issues are not as far along in being resolved as I had thought. I’m still a work in progress, and I don’t speak up for myself appropriately as much as I should.
On a happier note, I’ve been trying to snap a picture of myself every day. The one from the other day actually turned out pretty good.
I rarely ever smile in photos…this one is good.
I’m hoping that this week brings about some better experiences. I’m hoping I feel better physically and emotionally…And most of all, I’m hoping that no one I love dies in my dreams tonight.
I’m off to work. When I get home, I’m gonna watch some Dr. Who on Netflix and try and relax.
Love to all of you who actually read this.
xo xo xo,